Murder on The Ouran Express
by Joecavegal
Summary: SPOILER IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN EPISODE 25 OR 26! The Host Club decides to take a trip to Paris after a certain turn of events. Little do they know, even more twists and turns await them.


**Side-note: This is just a silly rip-off of the Orient Express as a way to direct my hatred towards Eclaire…who sucks….a lot. Even after the she did the right thing…I dunno…she still angers me. My friend (Elephants Smell) is also doing the same thing so don't review saying that I copied her or she copied me.**

One dark and cloudy day after Tamaki announced his engagement to Eclaire, the Host Club decided to take a trip to Paris via the Ouran Express. Renge and Eclaire would also be joining the boys and Haruhi.

There were roughly 23 passengers, 13 in coach and 10 in first class. This would be a very long train ride so everyone got a room with beds, Hikaru and Kaoru would be in room 4. Mori and Honey are in room 7. Kyouya will be alone in room 2. Haruhi is sharing with Renge in room 6 and Eclaire is alone in room 3. Tamaki however will be sharing room 8 with…

"Nekozawa?" Tamaki shouted. "Why are you here?"

"Hm…Tamaki, I thought you already knew, when a man and a woman love each ve-"

"NO! NO! NO! That's not what I meant!" Tamaki yelled blushing slightly "I meant, why are you on this train too?" Nekozawa laughed a little.

"Beelzenef wanted to go to Paris, isn't that right Beelzenef?" He said making the puppet nod.

Tamaki shuddered and decided it was best not to bother Nekozawa and become cursed again. So he put his suitcase under his bed and quickly left the compartment.

After a few hours of Eclaire flirting with Tamaki; Tamaki being awkward about it; Haruhi being jealous but trying not to show it; and everyone else mindlessly hanging out in the dinning cart it, was 10 o'clock and everyone all telepathically decided to go to bed.

Well, Eclaire was left out because she isn't as tight with them as she hoped to be, but when she noticed everyone stand up and leave in unison, she left too.

Tamaki had just changed into his pajamas that you see him wearing in the show, and had curled up in bed, all tucked in with his teddy bear, when Nekozawa entered wearing a pair of Dragon ball Z pajamas. Tamaki realized then and there that he would not be able to sleep for the rest of the trip. At least, not when Nekozawa was in the room.

Eclaire was sitting on her bed, in her room, wearing some sort of laaaaaaame nightgown. She walked to the door to turn off the light, when suddenly the door opened and the lights went out…

The Next Morning…

Kyouya, Haruhi and Honey were all sitting in a booth in the first class dinning car. There were waiters and waitresses serving large meals and everything was very fancy.

"I'm not used to being waited on like this." Commented Haruhi.

"I am!" Said Honey excitedly "We have a slave at home."

"A…slave?" Repeated Kyouya.

"Yup, his name is George, but we call him slave!"

"What?" Haruhi couldn't quite understand what was going on.

"Oh we treat him nicely though, he has a cell phone."

"I don't think that really makes up for-"

"But he doesn't get good reception in the cellar…" Honey interrupted Kyouya. There was a short silence.

"You are SO going to hell." Said Kyouya under his breath so Honey couldn't hear him.

"What was that Kyouya?" Honey asked

"Er…nothing! Nothing! Want some more cake?"

"Do I ever!" Honey grabbed the plate and started pigging out.

A few moments later there was a high-pitched scream coming from the first class compartments. The three stood up immediately and followed the scream to room 3, where one of the valets was purple faced and out of breath from doing the high pitched screaming. He finally took a breath and noticed Haruhi, Mori, Honey, Kyouya, Tamaki, Hikaru and Kaoru were there. So basically everyone we care about. Everyone began asking questions about why he was screaming. And why someone who as at least 28 years old could scream so high.

Below them there was a loud rumbling noise, and then part of the train floor began to rise.

"OH HO HO HO HO HO!" Laughed Renge as she emerged from the floor.

"Okay, stop right there." Haruhi interjected "I suppose it's plausible to do that in the music room, but how can you do that on _a train_!?" As usual, whenever Haruhi says something like that, everyone just ignored her.

"It appears," began Renge "That there was a murder last night!"

Everyone gasped, except for Tamaki, who just looked shocked. Mori and Kyouya didn't either, because they were too stoic. Honey didn't gasp; he started to cry. Renge didn't gasp either because she said it. So…

"It appears," began Renge "That were was a murder last night!"

Haruhi, Hikaru and Kaoru gasped.

"Who died?" Asked Kaoru, suspiciously quickly.

"Was it Nekozawa?" Asked Tamaki suspiciously hopeful "Oh, it was Nekozawa wasn't it? Oh happy day!"

"What about me?" Said a creepy, suspicious voice from the shadows, which could only belong to Nekozawa.

"Come on now everyone! I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for this." Said Haruhi  
suspiciously. While everyone was arguing suspiciously amongst themselves, Kyouya was writing rather suspiciously in his notebook.

"Alright everyone, listen up!" He said not really that suspiciously, but not un-suspiciously enough to say that it was unsuspicious. Everyone shut-up suspiciously quickly and looked at Kyouya. Suspiciously.

"Here's what we should do: Kaoru and Hikaru, you check the body for clues. Mori and Honey: You check everyone else's rooms. Tamaki: Try to stop the train; we don't want the murderer getting off. Haruhi and I will be sipping cocoa in the dinning car. And Renge?"

"Yes, Kyouya?" Answered Renge.

"Just try to stay out of our way." Said Kyouya like a big time cop in one of those cop movies. Everyone saluted and ran off to do their appointed jobs. Then they all ran back and glared at Kyouya.

"What?" He asked.

"You still didn't tell us who was murdered" Said Hikaru because he hasn't said anything for the entire story.

"Oh," Said Kyouya wondering how he could have forgotten that "It was Eclaire."

Everyone had the same reactions as when they found out that there was a murder. Then they all ran off to do their jobs.

"What shall I do?" Asked Nekozawa, not wanting to be excluded from everyone's little adventure.

"Uh…Go put a spell on that sheep we just drove by." Suggested Kyouya. Nekozawa seemed happy enough with that answer and scurried off to his room.

_With Hikaru and Kaoru._

The two boys stared at the cold dead body. They studied the room top to bottom; all they found that might be out of place was a jellybean, a pipe cleaner and ball of lint. They stared at each other with perplexed expressions, and then slowly turned their heads towards Eclaire.

"Kaoru." Said Hikaru.

"Yes Hikaru?" Said Kaoru.

"I think we may need to…touch the dead body." Said Hikaru, turning pale.

"Oh Hikaru…I don't think I could…"

"But Kaoru!" Said Hikaru; bringing Kaoru uncomfortably close to his own face. "We used to play 'autopsy' all the time back home. And you always touched my-"

"H-Hikaru!" Shouted Kaoru "What are you doing? We have don't have to be selling our 'brotherly love'!"

Hikaru stopped, pushed Kaoru away and coughed.

"Oh yeah…"

_With Mori and Honey._

Honey was currently rummaging through Renge's suitcase, making clothes fly all over the place. A few minutes later he turned around to Mori who was supervising him.

"Look Takashi!" He said "I'm a princess!"

Indeed he was. Honey had put on one of Renge's fancy dresses, high heels and all, and twirled around the room like a knave. Mori, expressionless, put his hand on top of Honey's head to make him stop spinning.

"No"

_With Haruhi and Kyouya._

"Hm…" Sighed Haruhi as she sipped her hot cocoa.  
"Mmhmm" Replied Kyouya as he put down his mug.

_With Nekozawa._

The only light in the room was the candles that had been lit and places in a triangle in the center of the room. In the center of the triangle was a drawing of a sheep that looked like a three year old had drawn. Nekozawa stood on his bed chanting something in a strange language. After three minutes he stopped and looked at the drawing of the sheep, then out the window, then back at the drawing.

"I still don't get what that sheep has to do with the murder…" He muttered as he returned to his chanting.

_**With Tamaki!**_

Tamaki, after speaking with the conductor then looking out the window to confirm, ran to the dinning car where he would find Kyouya…and Haruhi.

"Kyouya!" Tamaki yelled as he entered the room.

"Yes?" Said Kyouya.

"The train has been stopped!"

"Good boy."

"But the thing is…" Tamaki started "There's a whole BUNCH of cows on the train tracks. Even the Cow Pusher Thingy can't get them out of the way. The conductor says we should be here several days."

Haruhi and Kyouya looked at each other, took a sip of their cocoa, and then looked back at Tamaki.

"Cows?" Asked Kyouya. "I thought we were on our way to Paris…?"

"We are. Paris, Texas!" Tamaki replied with a "DUH" tone.

"What!?" Yelled Haruhi and Kyouya in unison. Tamaki sweat dropped.

"I-isn't that what you said?"

Kyouya sighed.

A few minutes later, everyone (including Renge and Nekozawa) were called to the dinning car, because that's the only room of a train I know.

"Alright everyone, starting with Nekozawa, tell me any information you've gathered" Stated Kyouya, since he was the self appointed leader of this mystery that no one else in the entire train wanted to take on. Not even M. Poirot!

"Well, I discovered that a baby goat is called a 'kid'." Said Nekozawa. Everyone decided to ignore him.

"Hikaru, Kaoru?" Asked Kyouya.

"It seems that Eclaire wasn't the type of person we thought her to be." Started Hikaru.

"I want to have a baby goat…" Said Nekozawa to himself.

"She seemed to be rich, but she really wasn't as rich as we though!" Continued Kaoru.

"Then I could tell people I have a kid"

"We found a stain on one of her nightgowns, that had clearly tried to be washed out many times, but failed." Said Hikaru.

"Then people would ask me 'Who's the mother?'."

"Also, she has one white sock…" Kaoru paused for dramatic effect "But no matching one!"

"And I'd be like 'a goat'."

"Honey? Mori? What did you find out?" Said Kyouya.

"I found out that I'm a summer!" Said Honey cheerfully. Kyouya sighed, and then turned to Mori, hoping to get something that could help solve the case.

"It's true." Mori said "It's not that he doesn't look good as Winter, it just suits him better."

Kyouya's eyebrow twitched.

"You all SUCK" He yelled, in his mind though, he couldn't afford to make everyone mad, because they would be stuck on that train for a long time because of those damned cows, and everyone would shun him if he did. Then he would have to chill with Nekozawa. No, he could not afford to anger anyone.

"I don't suppose…" Kyouya turned to Renge "You don't have anything that could help us with this case, do you?"

"Well, there is the security camera in the room that may have taped the murder." She said.  
Kyouya nodded and sent a valet to go get the videotape from the room. Everyone stood there in silence while they waited.

"Wait a second…" Said Nekozawa, "There are security cameras in our rooms?"

Everyone looked at Nekozawa.

"Uh, yeah, that's why you change in the change room." Said Haruhi.

"Oh." Said Nekozawa, and with that he turned and left without another word in the direction of his room.

Just after Nekozawa left, the valet came back with a crappy little TV, and a really old VCR…and some popcorn (well, this _is _first class). As the valet pressed the 'play' button, everyone gathered around, intensely watching the screen.

_Eclaire walked into the room in her laaaaaaame nightgown, and began brushing her hair._

"_One…two…three…four…" She counted each stroke carefully. After about an hour, she reached one hundred and put down the brush. Eclaire looked around suspiciously then stood up. "Oh I feel pretty! So pretty! And I pity any girl who isn't me today!" She sang incredibly off tune. _

Everyone groaned and covered their ears.

"For the love of god!" Shouted Tamaki "Fast forward it to where she dies!"

"Tamaki," Started Hikaru "You certainly aren't acting as though you were just engaged to her."

"Yeah, well."

Tamaki left it at that. Everyone came to a mutual agreement to fast forward after Eclaire started to brush her hair again. Kyouya pressed play when she got off her bed and walked towards the door. Before she had reached it, the door swung open and a silhouetted figure emerged, holding something, but no one could make out what. Before the figure got too far in to the room, however, the video suddenly stopped and got all snowy.

The Host Club sat there in silence as Mori turned off the TV. All of them were very tense, expecting someone to say something. All seemed to be hiding a SE-CR-ET.

No one noticed Renge standing behind the group, with a face that implied she was thinking. As Kaoru finished off the popcorn, everyone still sitting there in silence not noticing Renge, her expression changed to confusion, then denial, then an expression of fright.

"OSHEGAD!" She screamed at the top of her lungs causing everyone to jump a good 5 inches in the air.

"WHAT!" Everyone yelled at her.

"I think I know who committed the murder!" She started.

"NEKOZAWA!" Tamaki immediately shouted, not of course, before looking around to make sure that Nekozawa was not in the room. Everyone knew that Tamaki was just speaking out of fear, so Renge just ignored that and continued.

"You all had perfect reasons for killing her, didn't you?"

Renge was then interrupted by Mori grabbing Honey and running out of the room. Clearly there was something they didn't want Honey to know.

"Ahem, as I was saying! You all have evidence against you-"

"You know what?" Said Hikaru "We know that we ALL did it, so don't bother."

"Woah, woah wait a minute!" Said Renge "You were all in on it?"

"Uh, yeah, we thought you knew." Said Kaoru.

"I thought it was just Honey!" Exclaimed Renge.

"Honey?" Everyone said in unison.

"Well yeah, it's the perfect cover up that Lolita-shota!"

"He's the only one who didn't do it." Explained Tamaki.

Renge fainted because I don't want to write her anymore.

Kyouya stood up and opened the door and aloud Honey and Mori back in.

"So did Renge find out who did it?" Asked Honey. Mori and Kyouya looked at each other, then Kyouya looked back at Honey.

"Yes," he said, "It was the monster in her closet, he killed her because she didn't eat her broccoli."

"Oh no!" Exclaimed Honey "Good thing I love broccoli."

Liar.

**And they all got off scotch free and enjoyed their vacation in Paris, despite all the plot holes and OOCness.**


End file.
